Depression and Change

12 minute read

Note that this is first draft and may be changed in the future.

The time is currently 1 in the morning, and I don’t know why I’ve decided to write this article now but here goes…

So, I’ve been thinking a little about my attitude and my level of positivity and outlooks on life. I’ve realized that I have this very strong depression energy which I give way to at various times and it just makes me have very negative outlooks on everything, it makes me think that my life has been a failure up to this point, it makes me think that I’m not going to get anywhere in life and I’ve realized that having all these negative outlooks and giving way to this depression has the affect of giving me a crude sort of relief in my mind, its kind of like a healing force… But I don’t really think its an actual healing force.

I also have realized that this depression energy I’ve had since about 2020 and during 2020 I was really in the dumps… It was a very difficult time for me… Even writing this article I don’t think I’m fully able to express how depressed I was during that period of my life. But this depression energy which is incredibly strong is very seductive to me, but also it makes me have this outlook that everything is just secondary to this depression… Oh X Y and Z happened, and this is really good for me? Oh, that doesn’t matter, that’s just secondary to depression. Even me wanting to defeat this depression energy as I describe it, the depression energy just makes me think that me wanting to change it and remove it from my life is all just secondary to the depression. This depression is a very powerful thing that I’ve had for so long and I feel that its also affected my level of consciousness to be very low.

However, I just want to add here that I don’t actually think its genuine depression because its not I guess a constant negative outlook on things all of the time – its just I guess at certain times where, for example I was trying to be positive the other day and really tried to be positive and then after a few hours I was seduced by this depression energy which really encouraged me to have all these negative outlooks on things for a certain period of time for the relief that it provides my mind. I’m not exactly giving way to negative outlooks 24/7 – its just whenever this depression energy wants to rear its head.

Of course, I didn’t know until recently that I even had this depressive energy if you can even call it that. But now that I know I’ve got it and realize that its slanting my perceptions, outlooks on things and my level of consciousness and I guess my actual ability to be positive and be happy. I feel that removing this depressive energy will actually automatically make me an order to magnitude happier as a person but feel that there are a lot of “layers” of me and as I keep peeling back the layers of myself there are more and more various issues that I now realize and that now come to light and so then I can then do something about it. For example, the article I wrote on 10th October 2023 “My Quest for Perfect Mental Health and Sanity”, upon the realizations I presented in that article it opened up a whole can of worms in terms of things that were wrong with me – or things that could be better with me.

But I somewhat take the steps outlined in the 12-step program, which if you don’t know is a series of steps generally aimed at alcoholics to help them to get rid of their addiction to alcohol and one of the first steps in the program is realizing that you have no control over the addiction and that you are completely powerless over it. One of the further steps is seeking a higher power to amend and fix your character defects and help to put a stop to alcohol addiction and engaging in prayer and meditation to help put a stop to the addiction with alcohol. Now, I’m not an alcoholic, but I do see that the 12 step program can help me with this depression energy that I keep giving way to and I can see that I am quite powerless over its seduction – but I guess what is important is that I do genuinely want to change and put a stop to this depression energy that I keep giving way to and I would like to seek to become a more positive and happier person. But, yet the nature of this depression that I am experiencing is that the very thought of me wanting to change it and wanting to defeat it, is just seen as secondary to the depression… I feel that the depression has a mind of its own and I am unfortunate enough to be subject to it. But perhaps actions speak louder than words and if I could I would pray daily for these depression to be lifted and for me to become a lot more positive as a person.

However, I feel that I need to see the wrongness in giving way to so much depression and unhappiness – which in fairness I am starting to see the wrongness in just having this unnegotiable, merciless attitude that everything is terrible, everything is awful, everything is going south and yet have so many things to be grateful for – even people that are starving in the world have something to be grateful for. But I do see the wrongness in having this cold, relentless attitude of depression no matter what good things happen in your life, or even what good things have happened in your life. Perhaps I need to see that ultimately, I have control over my outlooks and my way of viewing things, but currently I recognize that I have very little power over the seduction of the depressive outlooks and ways of looking at things – hence why I seek a higher power as it were to help amend these flaws I’ve picked up.

Furthermore, I also want to talk a little bit about the traits that I would like to have. Now I really want to be as positive as I can possibly be 24/7 especially when things are not looking good or seem to be turning out very badly because I do place a high value on that trait of being positive in the direst of circumstances. But also, in having this constant positive attitude no matter what I get the feeling that you simply are unbeatable. In being positive all the time you are not limited by defeat or unsuccess, you have the attitude that “yeah, that didn’t work out, but you know I’m going to try this new thing now and hopefully that works out better”. I feel that making efforts to be as positive as you can be will also impact those around you, when you start giving these positive outlooks on things then others will actually believe in you more and believe that you can make something successful.

I feel that giving way to so much depression in the past hasn’t actually led to anything constructive and perhaps the whole idea of teleology plays a role here because why do I spend so much time thinking of a certain “failure” – surely there is a certain goal here, or even why do I give way to all these negative outlooks on things that happened in my past? Surely there is some kind of goal – I guess that the goal is no perpetuate this depression and have it give me this low level of consciousness and this state of mind that I’ve come to be addicted to over the years.

What’s more, I guess all I can really do is pray and put efforts to reject this depression as best as I can, although I do feel that I currently have little power or control over this depression energy. I feel it sees things and when I start to become a little more positive and try to be a little happier, it pops its head and says “no, you are not going to be happy – you are going to experience all these negative outlooks for a period of time” and there goes all my efforts of trying to be positive. But I feel that I’ve done what I can to put a stop to it ultimately because I’ve prayed for this thing to be removed from me somehow and to be honest, I feel that is perhaps all that matters. But I also feel that this state of consciousness has been a norm for me for so many years that having this removed and actually being able to experience happiness for the first time in a while will be a very thrilling experience.

Ultimately, going forward I would very much like to have this depression energy completely removed from my makeup, and then replace that with a very strong positive attitude towards life and a go getter attitude. I feel that over the years this depression has influenced (mostly unnoticed to me) my drive to engage in meaningful behavior because this depression energy just really sucks the meaning out of everything and gives me these very seductive negative outlooks on various things in my life. But for me what matters is that I do want to change, I do want to overcome this depression, I do want to become a happier and more positive person. But to change in one day is probably a myth – I wager it will take some time for me to overcome these character defects and learn to become more positive. I feel that I can be positive now, but due to some circumstances in my life being positive has little actual affect to me, but also, I feel if I start striving to be as positive as I can be it will just summon the depression energy and I will just be seduced by the negative outlooks that it makes me have for some period of time.

When I started this article, I really wanted to talk about this concept I have in my mind of a real “go-getter” as it were. Someone who is overly positive, isn’t deterred by failure at all and just has a strong drive to get things done, learn new things, meet new people, and just ultimately seek to engage in life to the fullest. Perhaps this depressive energy has actually taught me what happens when you try to withdraw from life mentally – life doesn’t stop all of a sudden because you’ve chosen to withdraw mentally from life, life still continues, life still goes on weather or not you are mentally withdrawn from it or not. But being so mentally withdrawn from life has become a norm from me and making changes to that will I imagine be a real challenge because for so long I’ve been avoiding life and trying to withdraw from it as much as I can (mainly mentally). But what I’m saying here is that I would very much like to stop this withdrawal from life that I’ve had for so long now and actually become more alive as a person and seek to become more engaged with others. Perhaps I need to see that withdrawing from life is quite a selfish thing to do because you are not giving others your full self. But seeing what I’ve managed to achieve with being withdrawn from life for so many years makes me really wonder what I could actually achieve if I wasn’t so withdrawn from life.

Lastly, I just want to state again that I do want to change in my ways, I would like to become a more positive, happier go-getter person that doesn’t take failure as defeat, but also someone with high drive and high motivation. I want to have this obsessive drive to achieve things, do things and learn things and achieve the most out of life and I would very much like to have this depressive energy go away and be removed from my life completely ideally, but also, I want to have this very powerful drive to get things done, learn new skills etc. I want to be the person that “makes things happen”, someone who is highly driven and motivated to do things. But also, I don’t want to be defined by my past – or that because so many people have met me and see that I am X type of person doesn’t mean I need to be limited and confined to being X type of person. But also I want the current trajectory of my life to change – yes, but I really want to change who I am and not allow my past and all the negative things that I endured in my past to define who I am now – or put another way, I don’t want the trajectory I was on of being depressed, giving way to negative things as I did, giving way to anti-social behaviors etc. to be my trajectory of my future now.

I want to completely change my trajectory such that I recognize the wrongness in the things I did in my past and I don’t allow my past to represent the pinnacle of who I am or was as a person, but also I don’t want the “movies” I made these past few years to be my “main” movies – I want my future movies to be just as good, if not better than the “movies” I made in the past few years. But also I don’t want meaning to be only derived from these past few years of my life, because I feel this heavily restricts and limits who I can be as a person, but I would very much like to grow and move on from my past and not be so fixated on certain experiences I had and just think that those experiences were the “pinnacle” of my life and represent the golden age of my life, because this hurts my chances of being able to have other experiences in the future and have those experiences have a great impact on me.

Finally, I just want to add here that I’m a big believer that all people can change who they are and what they represent, no exception. For me I genuinely want to change in my ways and defeat this depressive energy and negative outlooks that I am victim to, and I pray that I can receive the help I need to put a stop to this depressive energy I experience. Then replace this with a constant drive to be as positive as I can be and efforts to become a genuinely happy person.